Fate took a turn for the worse at the fork in the road.
Another decision, another new start, another rebirth. Agency. I have agency. I can make decisions. Yet why is it that every route, every idea, every notion is blocked? I cannot move forward; I cannot move backwards. Whatever action I take leaves me in a worse situation. Today, I tried again. I tried to rethink, I tried to understand and I tried to find a way to move forward, to cope. A new start. The sun breaking through the clouds.
I chose a fork. To turn one way. To cope with this, or with that. I cannot cope with either. So I have to chose which. I have chosen badly. I have chosen catastrophically badly. Is it fate that has turned for the worse? Or was this the plan? I suspect it was planned, but it seems it was not. It seems I have misunderstood. Yet I cannot accept that path. And I certainly cannot accept that path.
So this fork is impossible. I need to turn away from it. Find a different way. There is only one alternative, and fate will decree that I cannot follow it. I wish I could, I want to so much. But I know I can’t. It is so hard. It is beyond me. I have tried before. Where can I find the strength to do it? How?
If I do not then I must go back to the impossible fork; but the preferred route may now be closed off to me.
Everything is worse. Every day it is worse. The spring will come, but there will be no springtime for me.